How to Let Go of Control in a Relationship and Overcome the Need to Dominate in 8 Steps

Do you decide on all the important things in your relationship, like where you'll live, when you will have children, what school they will attend, etc.? Do you feel insecure in your relationships, which leads you to maintain control by intimidating, blaming, or creating guilt in your partner?

Your urge to maintain control can lead to various issues, creating unhealthy dynamics in your relationships. So, you may wish to let go of control and overcome the need to dominate but are unsure how to do so. Relationship coaching can provide a safe and non-judgmental environment to address control issues in your relationships, break free from unhealthy patterns, and learn healthier ways to express and meet your needs in a relationship.

What is Control in a Relationship?

Control in a relationship involves patterns of behavior where one partner consistently dominates, makes decisions, and manipulates the other partner, typically at the expense of their freedom, autonomy, and overall well-being, causing anxiety, depression, and loss of self-esteem in a controlled partner. It often has roots in a power imbalance, and it is often a sign of an unhealthy, abusive relationship.

In healthy relationships based on equity and individual freedom, on the other hand, partners respect and trust each other, make decisions together, have the freedom to express their needs, feelings, and opinions, and maintain their individuality while showing commitment to their relationship.

How to Recognize Control in a Relationship

Controlling behaviors can sometimes be subtle and sneaky, leaving the controlled partner confused, uncomfortable, and unhappy without understanding why. At the same time, a controlling partner can experience remorse and guilt when they recognize the negative impact of their controlling behavior on their partner's well-being and the health of their relationship. If you are willing to acknowledge your controlling behavior and seek counseling, such guilt can inspire self-reflection and be a catalyst for change.

Recognizing control in a relationship is the first step toward making a positive change. Control in a relationship may manifest itself in a variety of behaviors. Here are some of the most common:

Psychological and emotional control: Psychological control includes words and actions meant to control the partner's emotions, usually by making them feel dependent or inferior. Also, the controlling partner may use emotional control by manipulating their partner's emotions to provoke specific responses, often through intimidation, guilt, or fear. Emotional control is common in abusive relationships and often involves manipulation strategies such as gaslighting, where the controlling partner makes the other doubt their own perceptions, feelings, or reasoning. Emotional abuse traps the victim in a cycle of self-doubt, resulting in low self-esteem and an increasing sense of isolation and fear over time.

Physical control: Physical control is about violating the other person's physical boundaries and autonomy. This can range from restricting where the controlled spouse can go or what they can do to more severe limits such as preventing them from leaving the house, using physical intimidation to control their decisions and behaviors, and physically restraining them.

Social control is about controlling aspects of the partner's social life, such as dictating who they can interact with or isolating them from friends and family. 

Decision-making and information control: One partner makes all significant decisions in a relationship without considering the opinions of the other partner or consulting them. Furthermore, the controlling partner may control the flow of information in a relationship by lying or withholding important information from their spouse.

Financial control: One partner may exert financial control by having power over the financial resources, making unilateral financial decisions, or limiting their spouse's access to money and other financial assets.

What Causes the Need for Control in a Relationship?

Deep-seated insecurities and fears frequently motivate the need for control in a relationship. It may be a defensive strategy, as past traumas such as prior relationship betrayals or childhood abuse can also rise to a need for control.

Here are some common psychological, emotional, and cultural reasons why you might want to be in control in your relationships.

Past Experiences or Trauma

If you have encountered trauma, betrayal, or instability in previous relationships (romantic or otherwise), you may feel compelled to exert control over present relationships in order to prevent experiencing similar hurt or disappointment. For example, if you experienced betrayal trauma in the past, you may feel insecure and desire control in order to assure stability and predictability since you fear loss or betrayal. You may have trust issues from previous experiences, insecure attachment, or personal fears that can contribute to your need for control to manage perceived dangers in a relationship.

Betrayal trauma occurs in significant social connections, such as a parent-child relationship or a love relationship. We may feel betrayal trauma when someone we really trust does something that significantly undermines our trust. However, if we, for whatever reason, must remain linked to this person, we may tolerate betrayal. This might affect our self-worth, emotional well-being, and ability to trust and feel safe in all other relationships.

Insecurity

Feeling insecure in your relationship can motivate you to exert control to ensure a sense of predictability and stability. For example, unhealthy, insecure attachment styles formed in your family of origin can instill deep-seated feelings of shame, insecurity, and self-doubt, preventing you from forming healthy, trusting adult relationships. So, your need for control may be a coping mechanism to handle your insecurities and fears about your worth and relationship.

Personal Factors

Some personality traits, such as narcissistic personality, can cause you to have an exaggerated sense of your own importance and self-worth. This may cause you to feel entitled and to prioritize your own needs over the needs of others, continuously crave attention and adoration, and be dominating or emotionally abusive. In more extreme cases, controlling behavior in relationships can result from narcissistic personality disorder.

Cultural or Family Influences

Relationships can be impacted by societal norms or family history, which can affect power imbalance and control. The belief that control is a natural aspect of a relationship may have its roots in cultural or family traditions that emphasize hierarchical structures in interpersonal interactions, for example.

Issues that Arise from Needing Control in Relationships

While control in a relationship can have negative implications for a controlled partner, harming their self-esteem, mental health, and overall well-being, it can also cause several issues for the controlling spouse. Here are some of the most typical problems that your need for control and dominance in a relationship can cause.

Isolation

Your controlling behavior can create an oppressive environment in your relationships. This causes you to isolate yourself as your partner and others to withdraw from such relationship dynamics.

Relationships Strain and Lack of Genuine Connection

Your controlling behavior can create ongoing conflicts, tension, and resentment in a relationship. Similarly, controlling behavior can prevent you from developing a more profound, authentic emotional connection with your partner because it is based on manipulation and dominance rather than on love and mutual respect.

Additionally, the pattern of controlling behavior can become a deeply ingrained way of interacting with romantic partners, making it difficult to maintain future relationships.

Emotional and Mental Health Challenges

The stress that comes from constantly trying to keep things under control may cause you to develop mental health issues like anxiety, sadness, or burnout.

Breaking Free from Control: 8 Steps to Overcome the Need for Control in a Relationship

Overcoming the need for control in a relationship is essential for developing a healthy and meaningful connection. Learning how to let go of your need for control in a relationship may have various benefits for your own well-being, your spouse's well-being, and your relationship's health. So, here are eight strategies to help you overcome your desire for control and build mutually fulfilling relationships based on genuine connection.

Identify and Acknowledge the Need for Control

Recognizing that your need for control is a problem is the first step toward breaking free from it. To do this, you need to understand and acknowledge that control can appear in many forms, such as physically, emotionally, financially, or socially. Use journaling to identify your controlling behavior and its possible triggers, and make notes of your controlling actions. Reflect on how your actions affect the relationship. Reflecting honestly on this behavior is necessary to begin the process of change.

Understand the Root Causes of Your Need for Control

Keeping a journal can also be a great way to dive deep into the roots of your need for control. Often, controlling behavior can stem from past traumas, trust issues, fear of abandonment, insecurity, and other underlying personal problems. Sometimes, it can even originate from deeper psychological challenges, such as personality disorders. Understanding these underlying issues that drive your need for control is necessary for changing your behavior.

Work on Communication Skills

Effective communication is the cornerstone of all healthy romantic, familial, or professional relationships. Poor communication can cause you to feel misunderstood, insecure, and emotionally distanced from your partner.

Counseling can be a safe place to learn to communicate your thoughts, feelings, needs, and concerns honestly and effectively. You can learn to negotiate and compromise instead of using accusing rhetoric. Also, counseling can be a great place to learn about and practice active listening when your partner speaks and how to show empathy and understanding.

Set Healthy Boundaries

Healthy relationships require healthy personal boundaries. Boundaries define what we will and will not tolerate in our interactions with others. Counseling can help you recognize the difference between healthy interaction and control. The goal of boundary setting is to ensure safety and integrity for ourselves rather than modify another person's behavior. Your counselor can help you set boundaries for yourself regarding acceptable behavior, learn to respect your partner's boundaries, and recognize their desire for independence and autonomy.

Work on Developing Trust

The best way to let go of control is to cultivate trust in your relationship. Building trust requires honesty and open communication. It also requires both partners' readiness to be vulnerable and openly discuss their deepest feelings, fears, and concerns. Also, to cultivate trust, give your partner the benefit of the doubt and refrain from judging their behavior until you know all the facts. For example, if your partner went on a business trip and hasn't texted you in hours, stay calm and remind yourself that doesn't mean they are doing something deceitful.

Cultivate Empathy and Compassion

Making a conscious effort to see things from your spouse's point of view is an important step toward overcoming the need for control in a relationship. When you take into consideration how others could feel as a result of your controlling behavior, this can lead to increased compassion and a deeper emotional connection.

Work on Personal Growth

Focusing on self-improvement can help you focus on your goals and challenges, reducing your need to control others. Learn new skills, focus on expanding your professional knowledge and skills, and engage in hobbies to boost your self-esteem and confidence. Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques such as deep breathing to increase self-reflection and bring yourself into the present moment when you feel anxious about losing control.

Seek Professional Help

Overcoming the need for control is vital for having a healthy and loving partnership and relationships. It requires a deep exploration and understanding of yourself and a commitment to change. However, letting up control might be challenging since it may be the only way of interacting with others you know or are used to. However, control and manipulation can cause various issues, leading to mental health challenges, self-esteem problems, strained relationships, and abuse.

See a counselor or therapist if you have trouble letting go of control on your own. Counseling provides a secure and confidential space to explore the root causes of your need for control, work through past trauma, and develop effective strategies to change these behaviors and improve your relationships.

In addition, couples counseling can help you address the dynamics of your relationship, overcome trust issues, improve communication, and understand each other better so you can stop the controlling behavior and cultivate a stronger connection with your partner.